TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be tremendous. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the most effective. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and totally outside of place. Created by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable water. But Sure, sure, let us have Yet another position in which American Gentlemen can wear robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations failed under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: offer Everybody a set on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable electrical power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms put in in each device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It's that he really should halt employing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the venture, replied, "You are aware of, person, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Great tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head visible from Room, a attribute remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after discovering the creating's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not only ugly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Perplexing Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium the place friends may well contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are unsure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advertisement marketing campaign, recently leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "exactly where's the closest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is by now attracting notice from Worldwide traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree will likely include things like:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge exactly where my PTSD may have change-down services."


Yet another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers fret the tower Trump Tower Damascus could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews advise:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Remaining Views from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave it all a few. You're welcome."

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